By Sarah Preston GorensteinName: Whitney Cummings
Age: 27
Who is she: A standup comedian whose act picks up where Sex and the City left off.
Where you’ve seen her: She's one of the snarky regulars on Chelsea Lately's roundtable of comedians; she roasted Joan Rivers last year on Comedy Central; she's currently on tour throughout the U.S. in support of her live standup comedy album, Emotional Ninja.
1. When did you lose your virginity, and what were the circumstances?
CUMMINGS: I was raised Catholic…so I lost it pretty young. I have the body of a little boy, so if you’re Catholic you’re going to lose your virginity pretty fast. [Laughs] You know how the first couple of times, you convince yourself it didn’t count? Like, "It was just the tip, or in the back of a Porsche, or it was during the day…it doesn’t count during the day!" I lost my virginity on a cruise. So, literally, my whole life I convinced myself that because it wasn’t on dry land it didn’t count. Always a sucker for irony, I lost my virginity on a cruise to the Virgin Islands. My uterus is so ashamed.
2. Are you good in bed?
CUMMINGS: I’m at a point in my life where sex is more emotional than physical, so I aspire to be good. In your early twenties, you’re trying to prove something; you’re trying to move as much as possible without breaking his dick. You’re trying to do what you see in porn, or something you read about in Cosmopolitan, to just be crazy. But now I know what I want, and I know what I like. And I know my body. Back in the day, I used to fake orgasms [and didn’t] know anything about my vagina at all. My vagina and I were not on speaking terms for a while, after that whole Virgin Islands fiasco. But now I’m more demanding.
3. What’s your favorite sex position?
CUMMINGS: When I’m on top it’s the best. That’s always been the most successful position for me. But now I’d like the guy to be in control—I like being submissive because I’m not in life, so that’s the only place where I can be. I like a guy who will take care of me, as an extension of that; so now I like being on the bottom.
4. What’s the most memorable sexual experience you’ve ever had?
CUMMINGS: I had a threesome once—it was with a girl and a guy, they were a couple. First of all, threesomes are a hassle for so many reasons. You can get two STDs at once, instead of one, or if you get one you don’t know who it was from. And then if two people don’t call you the next day, instead of one [person blowing you off], it’s so embarrassing! I just remember being so stressed out, there’s so much to juggle: you got boobs, and balls, and you gotta bob and weave. Also, as if you’re not insecure about your body already, you’ve got another girl’s boobs...and she had less public hair than me, I had forgotten to shave! It was just too stressful. I wouldn’t recommend it, unless you’re really trying to get back at your dad. [Laughs]
5. Is it okay for a guy to suggest using porn as an instructional guide?
CUMMINGS: I don’t watch porn. I think porn makes your sex life worse—it sets the bar too high. Women in porn are cutting off their labia. So a guy watches a lot of porn…by the time he sees a real vagina he thinks it’s ugly. If guys never watched porn their sex lives would be so much better; their expectations would be lower.
6. Man-scaping: Turn-on or turnoff?
CUMMINGS: It’s a fine line…because when I see a guy that’s really well man-scaped all I can picture is him hunched over like a gnome shaving his balls. It can’t be too bald, because then I feel like a pedophile. It’s like the key to wearing makeup is to look like you’re not wearing makeup. The key to man-scaping is to not look man-scaped.
7. What’s your favorite part of the male anatomy?
CUMMINGS: The ass hole. [Laughs] No, I’m a face person; face, neck, sternum. I’m not saying traditionally sexy; I do not date hot guys at all. I’m not attracted to Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner. I just need a sexy mouth and face.
8. Are you for or against one-night stands?
CUMMINGS: I’m not into it. You have the best sex when you know somebody, and know what they like and trust them, and feel comfortable asking for what you want. With a one-night stand, you’re just trying to figure out which way is up. A one-night stand is the equivalent of a blind date.
9. How many one-night stands have you had, like 5,000?
CUMMINGS: “Like 5,000.” [Laughs] That’s a pretty solid number. One-night stands for me have basically just been putting an end to a friendship. It’s not like a guy I just met and fuck two hours later; it’s like a guy I’ve been friends with for three years, we sleep together and never talk again. It’s more the friendship ender. I’ve done that a couple times.
10. Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?
CUMMINGS: For me to do that is an ordeal. First of all, I get lock-jaw very easily. And I have a bad back now. [Laughs] I feel like that’s something you do when you’re young, and you just want the guy to like you. Like, “Yeah, I’ll put that in my mouth!” But now I think that’s exciting to do sparingly. Oral sex requires so much trust—you really have to like the person to want to service them, and be submissive to them. So for me, I’ll have sex with someone way, way before [I’d give them oral]. I’m putting the thing you pee out of in my mouth! I have to really like you.
11. What about receiving oral sex?
CUMMINGS: Receiving is really great and awesome with the right person. You have to trust them enough and like them enough to give them instructions. It’s confusing; it’s a maze down there. Every woman’s different; and it can start to get frustrating for a guy, depending on what his goals are down there. I like it more with someone who’s not down there trying to prove something.
12. What do you think is sexy about yourself?
CUMMINGS: I’d like to go on record saying that I wear good underwear and bras. I’m very proud of that. Because when you don’t have big boobs, you gotta decorate your sternum. You got to decorate it well, otherwise it can get a little sad. I am obsessed with Agent Provocateur. I doubt whether guys notice it or not, or understand the difference between Agent Provocateur or some tacky shit that’s gonna give you a rash, but it makes me feel proud of my body, and sexy.
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masturbate every other day or so, usually to porn on the Internet or to erotic fiction. I’ve also got a lot of fantasies logged away in my dirty little brain, so it’s pretty easy for me to call on one of those if the usual porn fare is boring me. I use vibrators, dildos, my fingers, furniture—whatever is handy. I love using my middle finger to massage my G-Spot because that is what gets me the most aroused. I’m also obsessed with Kegel exercises. I do them constantly because I’ve found that the stronger my Kegel muscles are, the more intense my orgasms are. The only problem is that doing Kegel exercises makes me extremely horny. I’ll unconsciously start doing them while I’m sitting at my desk at work, and I end up getting myself into such a frenzy that I have to go to the office bathroom and finish myself off. My ultimate goal is to be able to orgasm just from doing Kegel exercises alone, but so far I haven’t been successful (hence the numerous trips to the bathroom during the work week). I’m not going to stop trying, though! I can also get off pretty quickly by throwing a towel over the side of the bathtub and “riding” it. I can do it naked or clothed, and I basically just grind my clit against the towel. It sounds freaky, but it’s fast and it works every time.
interesting experiences with my vibrators. One time my grandfather accidentally turned one on when he was sitting on my bed because it was under my mattress. Needless to say, that was a bit embarrassing! Also, one time my friends gave me a fancy Pleasure Vibe dildo that bore my name. It was very high-tech, and the control panel looked like a stereo equalizer. I managed to break it through over-use in just a few short weeks.
masturbate is doggie style, and I think part of the reason for that is because I can touch myself very easily in that position. When I am alone and I masturbate, it's always face down, ass up! Whenever I touch myself I am always thinking about taking it from behind. One of the craziest places I ever tickled the taco was in a dressing room at some store. I was trying on clothes and started thinking about the hot sex my man and I had the night before. I got totally wet and horny and just had to relieve myself as quickly and quietly as possible. I still wonder if there were cameras in that dressing room—if so, I really hope they enjoyed the show.
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